Posted in high school, rambling

The Hard Road of Rejection

It’s almost 3AM and I will be up at 7:30, but the Universe has decided that sleep is not for me tonight. I hate these nights; they seldom happen anymore. I guess even when I do everything right–when I enjoy my day, do my work, practice great skincare, and do yoga–I still am not doing enough for my body to get to sleep when it should.

I was lying in bed just endlessly thinking. I’m not even that anxious; I’m prepared to take on tomorrow, but for now I feel minimal pressure. Yet, there I was–staring at the ceiling and getting caught on every single thing I could think of. Instead of getting caught on them all, I decided to write about one.

So I saw this Tweet the other day [Holy crap, I just realized I’m going to give up Twitter for Lent!] which read:

Someone who says they don’t want a relationship right now just means they don’t want a relationship with you.

I half-heartedly “liked” it and kept scrolling, didn’t think much of it. Usually I only see those kinds of Tweets from the perspective of the “you” and not the “someone.”

But I was the someone once. And the more I lay there thinking about being the “someone,” the more annoyed I was at the Tweet.

When I was junior in high school, a Boy Friend I’d known since seventh grade came back from Summer Break with a Glow-Up. There was nothing wrong with him before the Glow-Up. In fact, I’d probably had some sort of halfhearted crush on him before it [I had a halfhearted crush on pretty much everyone at some point in high school]. But when he came back, I guess with his confidence renewed, things between us began to change. It took an entire academic year, but at Ring Ceremony in April, it was clear; he and I were Maybe Possibly Might Be a Thing.

We went on a few dates, and we talked all the time. And I really, really liked him. But here’s the thing.

Before his Glow Up, I’d spent all of Sophomore year attached to this College Sophomore who’d gone to my high school. We talked every day. He was my Person for such a long time, admitted to liking me, and truly was my Companion through my Stepmom’s death–which was absolutely one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with in my entire life. We spent about eight months talking every day, and when he didn’t want to get serious (for very good reasons that I understand NOW, five years later), everything fell apart. To this day, I can’t stand his social media, his friends, his name. It’s involuntary, the way my body freezes up at the thought of him. He was one of my best friends before I considered him anything romantically, and he just dropped off the face of the planet. I don’t miss him anymore, but I’m still angry with how he let things end.

If I’m still upset five years later, imagine how I was when the wounds were still relatively fresh as a Junior. I really wanted to be serious with the Boy Friend, who obviously also wanted to be Serious with Me. But I couldn’t. I could not, in good conscience, begin to Date this Person while my Mind was still Hurtling over the Hill the Previous Person had left Behind. I consider this a pretty big turning point in my life, because the Me Before this Moment clung to anything that would give her attention. By all accounts, I should have been over the Moon about this Boy who’d liked me for Years. But I wasn’t ready for it. I was too hurt, too raw, too new to this world I didn’t know as 1/4 an Orphan.

I told him just that. Plain as day, that I was still dealing with previous hurts and that I wasn’t ready for a relationship. That I hoped I would be one day and that I hoped that One Day Person would be him, and that I was so sorry I hadn’t figured it out Sooner. That I wanted to Remain Friends but I understood if he couldn’t.

Boy, he Definitely Couldn’t.

His response was long, and Guilt-Tripping. If I remember correctly, he said something like, “I was so stupid to think you’d like someone like me.” But, like, several texts of that.

I tried to explain to him that it wasn’t about him, but he didn’t listen.

For the rest of the School Year, he was Awful to me. He ignored me, said mean things to people about me, LIED to them about me, and showed everyone our texts. I never said a bad word about him, and I let the anger inside of me dry out and reveal itself as Sympathy, Empathy, and Hurt. He had been my friend for so long, but in the end he was just as awful as the person before him.

That encounter happened at the beginning of May 2014. I did not meet or begin to date the Now Infamously Awful Ex-Boyfriend until January 2015. There was no one in between; I truly spent that time focusing on who I was and needed to be. I figured out Being Alone. Because at the time, that was what I needed.

So what I want to say to the people who read that Tweet and nod along and “mhm” and halfheartedly “like” is this:

It usually isn’t about you. And sometimes, the “someone” really just doesn’t want a relationship. If you can’t respect that from them, do you even truly respect or want them at all?

Dehumanizing people when they hurt us is really easy.

Take the hard road anyway.


Posted in college, feelings, friendship

Stop and Hear the Viola

The past few days have been rough. This week has been pretty stressful academically and fraternally. I’ve been feeling very Middle School, this week (I was literally crying when the words, “Why don’t they like me?” came out of my mouth). But I’ve been taking a few days for myself and getting back in a better place mentally.

Doing that partially included a form of Self-Care that I never considered Self-Care before.

A good friend of mine is graduating this semester. He’s a music performance major–specifically, he plays the Viola. He invited me to his Senior Recital; it was the first date on the Reminders Section of my February Cover Page.

Frankly, I hadn’t wanted to go. Okay, I did want to go. Until I actually had to. I hadn’t been sleeping well, I had Make-Up Work out the Wazoo, and I had about four things I wanted to do that weren’t school work After his Senior Recital. I took a twenty minute nap, and then put on my Big Girl Pants.

Except, nowadays, my Big Girl Pants look different on me now. Not sure if it’s the Girl or the Pants that has changed, but something is new. Instead of Putting on my Big Girl Pants and Getting Over It, I put on Big Girl Prioritizing Pants.

The Other Commitments could wait. The Wazoo Make-Up Work could be done in enough time to sleep early if I Prioritized them. And the Senior Recital was Priority Number One. It’s his last recital. He’s a good friend of mine. It’s rare that I get to see him, and I pretty much never get to hear him play.

I made a Decision. Man, did I make a Good One.

The theater was small, and we sat in the back as the other handful of supporters sat Up Front and Center. A pianist would accompany him; a stand with his music stood under the spotlight.

I could see his nerves as he walked out: a hint of a smile, antsy legs. Through the first half of the first song I could see his grimaces, uncertainty. And then the climax of the song happened, and I saw him in twenty years. I want to tell–I hope to one day tell him–that he will stand on a Bigger Stage in front of a Larger Crowd, that he will still be Nervous, but he will be even more Awe-Inspiring. I hope to one day tell him of the stage presence, charisma, talent, and passion I saw in his performance. I hope to one day see him on that Bigger Stage and admire his Presence once more.

When I got home, I checked the “Self-Care” box of my Habit Tracker. I hadn’t done a Face Mask, or a Bath Bomb, but instead I had cared for myself in a much more interesting way; I cared for myself by Supporting Someone I Care for, and by actively trying to understand his passion. I put on my Big Girl Prioritizing Pants, and I Heard the Viola.

And My, but it was Beautiful.

In case you’re interested, the first song he played was “Zwischen Berg und tiefem Tal,” the first movement in Paul Hindemith’s Der Schwanendreher.


Posted in rambling

Bullet Journals and Mental Health

Back in December, I started Bullet Journaling. I’ve always been interested in Bullet Journaling, but I never set aside the time to do it because I’m not artsy. I felt like I would just be disappointed with whatever I came up with because it wouldn’t look like everybody else’s. (I often don’t have a lot of faith in myself to believe I’ve actually grown out of being a toddler.)

So I did a trial run in December in the back of my planner (which I got from May Designs and cannot recommend enough), which had a few dotted pages. I found it surprisingly helpful and enjoyable, and I haven’t stopped since. Today I’m going to show my CURRENT spread, and my one for February, to discuss Pros, Cons, and Tips I’ve gained over these past couple of months.

First and foremost, I do not have monthly or weekly spreads in my journal because I have my planner from May Designs. I didn’t want to waste a perfectly good planner, and also I felt like committing to making monthly and weekly spreads ALONG WITH the spreads I actually WANTED to make would be too much. Some people may not like having two notebooks, which I totally understand, but generally the content is so different that if I know what I’m doing that day I know which notebook I need. (You’ll see what I mean in a second.)

PAGE ONE – Cover Page

I actually didn’t have a cover page for January. Partially because I didn’t think about it, partially because I didn’t want to feel like I was wasting pages. I decided to do one for February so that I have distinctions between months, and I’ve also included two lists that will make this page both cute and functional. “Reminders” will include things like events, due dates, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc. and “Goals” will include things that I want to improve on from January, like drinking more water.


PAGES TWO & 3 – Trackers
Trackers are the reason I started Bullet Journaling in the first place. I wanted to look into correlations with my sleeping, water intake, other daily habits, and my mood. I’ve found it INCREDIBLY great for my mental health because every day I’m forced to check in with myself and see where I’m at. Recently I’ve had a bout of bad days, and I realized I hadn’t had a good Self Care night in days, and I also hadn’t been drinking enough water for weeks. Being able to point out possible things I can do to feel better mentally has been such a game changer. Also, I’ve found that having a word/color to put to your mood can really be cathartic, especially if it’s a bad one.

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My January to February trackers didn’t change much. The mood trackers are the same, save a change in design and color (which will change monthly, of course). The habit trackers are pretty similar; I added and removed one habit, respectively, in February, and instead of Scripture I’ve decided to include reminders about the benefits of some of the positive habits as well as an area for Notes.

PAGES 4 & 5 – Spending and…
My January 4 & 5 are my spending tracker and my Disney Bound page. I found I didn’t use the Disney Bound page at all, but I knew what the sentiment was behind it; I want to start taking steps towards a healthier lifestyle. These pictures (I think) are pretty small, but I don’t think it’s necessary to see them up close; the spending layout is clear, and there’s an obvious difference to my Disney Bound page.

For February, I’m doing the same Spending Tracker, because it’s nice to have that all in front of me on the daily (and it’s also something I update daily–good way to hold yourself accountable for your spending habits!) and I’m turning Disney Bound into Positivity and Mindfulness. I’ve started making changes to my diet and I’m trying to find ways that I can be active without having a panic attack (the gym does not bode well for an anxious person), but I want to make it about loving my body enough to respect it, and not at all about feeling embarrassed about how I look. This is a page I hope will develop into something that will allow me to structure it in a more concrete way (right now it’s pretty much blank), but for now I just want to see where this mentality takes me.

PAGE SIX – Review
My January In-Review page is pretty empty. It’s given me a few cool ideas (like a Restaurant Review Page) that I will try to put in my BuJo later, but I decided I wanted to change it because it was a whole page with not much in it. I decided to split the page in half, because one my February goals is to have a regular writing schedule. I accidentally had one in January, and it made me realize that having that sort of schedule is really fun and positive for me. So I made half the page a brainstorming/planning area for posts, and the second half a place to review February as a whole. I kept the Review section because I think it’s going to be a helpful place to find new goals to set or keep memories.

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You can see the next page of my January spread was me trying to practice my cursive with some Scripture. It didn’t got over too well.

Sorry for such a long post but I hope it was at least a somewhat interesting read! If you’re interested in bullet journaling but not sure if it’s for you, I definitely recommend a trial month! And don’t feel pressure to do what other people are doing–these pages are just my monthys! I have a really cool (at least, I think it’s really cool) way of doing my grocery shopping in the BuJo that I’ve found helpful, and I use it for my job as well (I didn’t feature those pages for confidentiality reasons). My point is that Bullet Journaling really is whatever you want it to be! I have some friends whose BuJo is just lists, others who colored code everything all the time. I found that these trackers were great for my mental health, but I don’t think I’ll ever regularly make monthly and/or weekly spreads, and I don’t have an Index. And that’s okay!

I’m always up to hear about BuJo inspiration, so if you have any ideas you think I’d like please share them! And if you want to see more of my BuJo, like my super cool way of making grocery lists, let me know! Either way, thanks for reading all about my current obsession.


Posted in beauty, body image

Lush Review – Skin & Hair Products

About three months ago I started shopping at Lush. I actually only did it because I wanted an Authentic Bath Bomb Experience, but I ended up with a non-bath bomb item or two and haven’t looked back since.

So I’m a half-white, half-Mexican 20-year-old who lives on the gulf coast and I have combination, sensitive skin. You don’t think all those things matter when you buy beauty products or inquire about them from other people, but it definitely matters. Moving on.

I use these products once daily in the morning, and in this order:

Bûche de Noël – 4.8/5
I would say the ingredients that are most prominent in terms of scent in this face cleanser are almonds and cranberries. This is a seasonal product I got in November, but I’ve been using it every day and I’m barely halfway through the smaller size container. It made my skin incredibly soft without drying it out or leaving oils. At first I was apprehensive about the scent, but it’s overall pleasant and not at all overbearing. In the summer, I suspect I’ll be able to JUST use this, but the winter tends to dry out my skin more than usual. My only complaint is that application can be a little messy.

(Note: If this sounds like something you may be interested in but it’s not in season anymore, I was told that Angels On Bare Skin is its regularly stocked equivalent!)

Eau Roma Water – 4/5
So I got this toner relatively recently, but I can already tell it’s helped my skin. Its strongest scents are lavender and rose water, with probably more rose than lavender in my opinion. I spritz it across my face after cleansing, patting my face dry after doing each, respectively. The spritz definitely makes me feel refreshed and moisturized. I spritz maybe two to three times in one wash, so this product is definitely going to last me a long time. I will say that this toner was recommended to me because of the cleanser I use and skin type I have, but I will be trying a different one next time; I’m not a fan of such a strong rose water scent.

Imperialis – 3.75/5
I LOVE how light Imperialis is. I can distribute it across my face and by the end I feel evenly moisturized with NO oily feeling after; it’s incredibly light. I also have some dark areas of skin around my mouth that it has almost completely helped even out. However, I’m not crazy about the scent mix of orange and lavender. While normally that wouldn’t bother me too much, it’s incredibly pricy for how much I got. I anticipate I’ll need more moisturizer by the end of February (I bought this in the second week of January), and I paid almost $30 for this. It seems that moisturizers are just pricy at Lush; I’m doing some research, and this is on the cheaper side of things. For the size that I got, I don’t think the price was worth it. I’ll be looking at different options for moisture when this runs out.

For my hair products, my race and location are still important, as is the fact that I have thick, coarse, wavy, brown (naturally), and color-treated (purple) hair. My hair products and usage-order are as follows:

Fairly Traded Honey – 5/5
I was apprehensive about this shampoo because I have a LOT of hair, and I often have to shampoo several times in one shower (I wash my hair usually twice a week after a deep coconut oil treatment), and this particular shampoo is kind of pricy. However, I absolutely adore Fairly Traded Honey. It’s completely worth the price, and also lasts a lot longer than you think it will. It took me a few washes to figure it out, but not even my hair requires a lot of this shampoo to get clean. The smallest bottle is 3.3 oz, priced at about $14, and I’m about halfway through it (I bought it in late November).  My hair, naturally pretty frizzy (given my race and my environment) helped with my hair maintaining a rich color and control frizziness. It lathers nicely, and it smells amazing. Probably my favorite Lush product I regularly use.

R&B – 4.7/5
So I use R&B when I get out of the shower, instead of conditioning. Firstly, it smells amazing. I always feel like I’ve just walked off the beach (in a good way, not in a Sand In Your Butt Crack kind of way) when I use this. Also, it doesn’t require much to get all over my hair. It’s great at helping my hair stay moisturized and keeping a nice, wavy shape even after a few days unwashed. The smallest container, for someone with as much hair as me, will probably last about six months, and it’s $26. My only criticism is that after I colored my hair, it seems to make my hair knottier.

Queen Bee – 4.25/5
After I dyed my hair, I wanted to stop using my hair moisturizer also as a styler, which is  how I got turned on to Queen Bee. It’s got honey in it as well, which I think helps keep the waves from frizzing and helps my hair be weighed down in a way that doesn’t make it heavy. I was apprehensive about using something that’s a bar, but something I really love about it is that I was able to ask for a piece that was $6, as opposed to having the prices already directly determined. It smells pretty good, though applying it can be a bit of a hassle (just the product of being a bar-type product, I think).

So these are my every day products that are a part of my regular beauty routine! I’ve got some samples I’m currently forming opinions on that aren’t regular items that I may make a post about one day and also I have products I’m SUPER interested in buying when I run out of whatever I currently have.

If you’d like a frame of reference, I think a before and after might help! No filters here! Dark spots around my mouth no longer exist, my hair (still frizzy, of course) is definitely calmer, and I think I generally just look more radiant.


I know this was a long post but I wanted to help inform people who may benefit from this kind of in-depth review. It’s also my experience that these products work well TOGETHER, which may also be helpful! If you found this helpful please let me know, and if you want to SEE the products and look at prices/sizes/etc. here’s my Wishlist! I’ll probably do more anyway because I mostly write for myself, BUT if you really have questions or comments I would love to know!


Posted in rambling

Twenty-Something Fire Pit of Positivity

I dyed my hair purple. Well, I had my hair dyed purple. It’s been like a week or two now.

My Boyfriend’s 72-year-old Incredibly Traditional father is still not used to it.

At dinner a few nights ago, with no prompting at all, he asked, “So what’s with the purple?”

And what I wanted to say was, What’s the Never-Ending Need to give me Shit about It?

Instead, I said words that I don’t really remember now. BUT I do remember the sentiment a bit.

I’m turning 21 this year. I’m officially “in my 20s.” I’m supposed to be doing shots off a stripper’s belly button and bouncing around in unhealthy relationships.

At least, that’s how I understand who I’m supposed to be. I digress.

The point is that I’m not, and that’s okay! It’s also okay if you are someone who’s into those things. That’s not the point I’m trying to make.

What I’m trying to say is that I dyed my hair purple because you only get to be “in yours 20s” once. After that, it’s all mortgages and 401ks and politics at the dinner table (not that that isn’t already a part of my life). So for now, I’ll have purple hair and get tattoos and love recklessly and laugh loudly.

I’m taking 2018 by the handle bars and throwing into the Fire Pit of Positivity.

I imagine it’s a Fire Pit, anyway.


Posted in feelings, rambling

The Jar Post II

The Annual Jar Post has returned–and HOPEFULLY, my inspiration and commitment to blogging with it. 2017 was a weird year. It was my first full year with my Boyfriend, and I took a lot of that time to figure out who We are as a Couple–but also who I Am as a Half of a Couple. It turns out, I’m still Mostly Me. 2017’s Top Ten are as follows:

10. Anna’s Back-to-School Party – I actually picked this one specifically because of when it’s dated. Exactly a year ago today, probably around this time, I was sat on a chair in the exact sweatshirt I’m wearing right now in the middle of Anna’s apartment, next to a boy I’d only been dating a few months who had a dumb haircut, and trying to remember that every person in the apartment both liked me and wasn’t paying the slightest attention to me (those are my social anxiety comforts).

9. Kesha – I got to see her live thanks to an obscure gift from my university. It was my first concert with my Boyfriend, first time seeing Kesha, and my first time choosing to stand alone, away from everyone I knew, and dance and jiggle and love without a care in the world. I don’t think anyone could’ve made me feel that way but Kesha. Thank you.

8. John Mulaney – This would probably be higher up if our seats hadn’t been so terrible. The door opened and closed the entire time, and people chatted at the door. I barely heard his opener, and only vaguely remembered the jokes. I cried afterward, I was so disappointed. But still, I never thought I’d get the opportunity to see him, so I’m incredibly grateful.

7. Valentine’s Day – There’s a tradition at my school; kissing under the Bell Tower at midnight on Valentine’s Day is how you become Official Co-Eds. It’s a dumb tradition, but we were up late that night anyway. The pictures are terrible and my GOD was it cold, but I love that he indulged me in such a small thing.

6. Orange Beach Birthday – For my Boyfriend and his Best Friend’s birthday, we went to Orange Beach for a few nights. It was so quiet, and easy, and so incredibly fun. It was also our first time staying in a different state together!

5. Carving Pumpkins – It’s a tradition to carve pumpkins every year for Halloween in my family. My Boyfriend had never done it before, so it took him forever, but it was a really small thing to do with him. It was also our 11-month anniversary. We ate Chinese food. He makes me cherish the little things.

4. Spring Break – We almost died. I’m glad we didn’t.

3. September Brother of the Month – It was such a great way to be brought into the year, and also to be reminded of how important it is to keep trying and contributing even when it feels like you may go unnoticed!

2. Ed Sheeran – I got to see Ed Sheeran in August in Houston. It was amazing. I cried. Literally. I’m seeing him again in October.

1. Isella & Harper – Two beautiful babies were brought into this world in 2017–both of whom are my family. I love them both dearly. I’m excited to be a part of their lives and to hopefully help them become amazing women.


Posted in boyfriend, college

Grumpily Apologetic

Finals week is difficult.

I know, revolutionary statement. But it is! For a plethora of reasons, none of which are muffled when you’re in a relationship.

Over the past year, I’ve learned something I didn’t know before about relationships: they involve two separate people.

Two separate people, taking finals, and attached at the hip.

Oh, yes, there’s been a lot of stress-fighting.

In the year we’ve been together, I’ve never been more shocked than when my Boyfriend, hugging my head to his torso (I was sitting), said plainly, “I love you, but you’re being so aggravating.”

Even now, it makes me laugh. I couldn’t help it! My stress levels live at a 7, plus 2 for finals, plus 4 for social situations (we were in the PACKED library) equal Too Damn Much for me.

We’re fine, if a little grumpily apologetic. And, after 7:30 tonight, we’re done with all written finals! (I have a speaking final on Friday.)

So here’s to being Aggravating–
You’ve been okay, Fall 2017…
But thank God you’re over.


Posted in boyfriend, feelings

Best Condiment in the World

There are a lot of things I could bitch about today. The car accident I got in, assignments I had due, texts from my boss, a conversation with my mother–all of those things sucked. My room is a mess, I’m living on nutritionless food, my skin and hair and eyebrows are unkempt and sad looking.

Instead, I’m gonna be thankful for my Boyfriend.

From the dark hole I built myself in my room, under a mountain of blankets and pity, I texted him: “Can you bring home some McDonald’s? I really need nugs today.”

He had an exam and a quiz today, held me as I cried multiple times, went to a work meeting, and has a test to study for tonight. When he came home, he was carrying two drinks and a bag from the Golden Arches.

“That took awhile,” I said. “Did something happen?”

They got the order wrong at first, he explains. Then he tells me they were out of Honey Mustard–aka the Best Condiment in the World. I felt myself deflate, “What did you get me instead?”

“Look in the bag.”

And there, on top of my nuggets, were two Honey Mustard sauces from Chick-fil-A.

I burst into tears.

Every day, I am thankful to have him. But today, especially, I am thankful to him.


Posted in anxiety, college

Better Tomorrow

I have not had a moment this Bad in months. Hell, I haven’t had a moment this Bad in over a year.

Being overwhelmed manifests itself in a lot of different ways when you live with the kind of anxiety I live with.

I’m taking a class that’s basically taking over my life this semester. It’s great in that I’m really enjoying the work that I’m doing. It’s unfortunate in that it’s causing me an unbelievable amount of stress.

I thought going to an event for my fraternity–or even for my historians society–would be the relief I needed from the never ending words and confusing structures and half-thoughts I’m not even psuedo-confident in. I thought jumping into something and enjoying it–something that didn’t have to do with JFK’s Assassination–was exactly what I needed.

I was Wrong.

Fighting with my Boyfriend before the event didn’t help. But I thought I could sit through it, regardless of how aggressively the fist-sized Cotton Ball of Frustration was trying to punch its way through my Throat.

I was very Wrong.

Suddenly I was 18-years-old again, spending an hour prepping myself to leave my dorm room for an event. I was swallowing words and tears and taking full gasps through my nose. I was fighting the tears as hard as I could, trying to contain the waterworks. But I was 30 minutes early for the Event; there’s no way I could stick it out for an hour and a half.

So even though I didn’t want people to think badly of me, I didn’t want people to see my breakdown even more. Without talking to my Boyfriend, or Anyone, I packed up and left.

My legs couldn’t move fast enough. It was like sprinting away from that football game I tried to go to Freshman year all over again. Everyone seemed perfectly fine, seemed completely in on this idea of what it’s like to be Normal and I was just pretending to function long enough to get to my Hiding Spot.

So I’m hiding now. I’m crying and I’m hiding. I’m overwhelmed and I’m angry and I don’t want to function anymore.

I will finish crying. I will work on German homework instead of staring at citations I don’t know how to do and documents I’m not sure I’ll actually use.

I think I’m going to get Cane’s for dinner.

I will forgive myself, and do better tomorrow.


Posted in rambling

Pretty Much Sucking

Today is not a good day.

I got up and I knew that it was very unlikely I’d be going anywhere today.

My body is heavy and empty. There is not a care left in it.

Stepping outside is like opening a soda bottle after it’s been shaken, hard. You lock the cap up, but the damage has been done. You can see the bubbles building.

Except mine aren’t going down.

Today it feels like anything will make me forget to lock the cap up.

I am high strung, irritated, eating ice cream in my bed without pants on. I skipped both of my classes and have done literally no work for the day.

Today– it took until I got the end of this post to realize it, but–today…

Today I am PMSing.