Posted in feelings, friendship, rambling

Happy Always Comes Later

I’m sitting down after a Catch-Up Session with one of my best friends and I know I haven’t written in awhile and WEDA was a failure but I kind of just want to talk.

Catching up with my high school friends is always nice for so many reasons. We don’t go to school together and we’re getting old enough that we work, or we’re busy during the breaks, or our breaks don’t line up. I’m lucky if I see my friends twice a year.

The past few months have been full of friends making decisions I don’t approve of. But, the friends aren’t living MY life and they aren’t my decisions. I let the friends make the decisions and I support them unless I think they need help.

Today I found out about a decision a friend is making, and I approve. And maybe capital-G God doesn’t, but frankly I doubt that.

I’m emotionally intelligent. For as bad at empathy as I say I am, it’s a total sham. I get people. Almost all people. Often.

I keep thinking about all the things she’s not saying that she’s feeling.

The fear, uncertainty, sadness, disappointment. I want to tell her that it will be okay, but I don’t think she’s ready to be told that yet.

I find myself doing that with a lot of my friends lately. Waiting to tell them that Hope is the Thing With Feathers and that Fear and Sorrow Pass and that Joy Cometh in the Morning.

Sometimes you have to be sad first. I’ve done a lot of being sad first and I’m finally in a place where I’m not, but being sad first is an important part of being happy later.

If there’s anything I’ve learned, with all the loss and the awful and the trauma, it’s that happy always comes later.

So if you’re reading this and you need that reminder, that pick me up–I’m here to tell you:

Hope is the Thing With Feathers

Fear and Sorrow Pass

Joy Cometh in the Morning

Happy Always Comes Later

-HH

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Posted in boyfriend, rambling

WEDA 14: Wedding Wondering

Well Writing Every Day in April definitely didn’t work. But there are two more vowel-starting months I can attempt to initialize and write through, so I’m hopeful. I’m betting August will be the winner.

It’s hard to write every day as an anxious, full-time college student who, until very recently, was constantly doing duties as the Maid of Honor.

My sister’s wedding was beautiful. The decorations were perfect, the day largely stress-free, ceremony flawless, reception hilarious, food delicious–all things a wedding should be/have. I learned that Traditional Maid(s) of Honor have a LOT of duties before, during, and after a wedding. For example, I learned how to bustle a dress and snap duties at people. I also learned that the Bride gets a Night of Amazing, the Guests get Night of Fun, and the Bridesmaids gets a Day of Work. Hair and makeup started at 9AM for my sister’s 7PM wedding, and I think at any given point in the day my most-used phrase was, “I’ll take care of that.”

Frankly, I don’t get the big deal about weddings. Marriage was intended to be a business deal, and in a lot of ways it still is. Example: my mom’s childhood friend refuses to marry her partner of like 20 years because, “I don’t want to take on all of his debt!” For my Boyfriend, our Marriage will be about our commitment to each other in front of God.

Personally, I think our commitment to each other comes from not leaving even when we want to, when times get tough, when the tough get going. I don’t need a piece of paper, a commitment in front of a hundred of my “Closest Friends.” I have him, and he has me–and that’s all I need. Frankly, no one in my family has ever actually committed to a marriage, so the idea that it’s an eternal commitment is nice, but just not accurate. People get divorced all the time. Marriage is not forever. Should it be? I think so. But is it? No. And for good reasons! But the idea that Marriage is the End All Be All of a Relationship is a dated idea.

I like the thought of marriage and want to get married, don’t get me wrong. I think my feelings mostly surround the Wedding.

I can legally bind myself to this person I love, and understand all of the legal benefits and (in some cases) necessities of doing so. What I can’t get behind is this huge, public ceremony to do it.

Marriage is sacred. It’s intimate. It’s two people committing to each other for Better, or Worse until Divorce/Death do we part. I couldn’t give two Craps about who was there, as long as the person I’m committing to is there. I just don’t understand why it matters.

My parents aren’t paying for my wedding. They aren’t giving me away (which is an antiquated practice I don’t even care to discuss). So why should they be there?

Why do I have to wear a white dress? I’m not a virgin, so it’s not about purity.

Why do I have to have a wedding party? They’d be a bunch of strangers to each other and have no idea what to do or how to do things like a bachelorette party (which I don’t even want).

Tradition is your enemy. And I’m a firm believer that a tradition’s history is incredibly important. There aren’t a lot of wedding traditions I actually agree with.

But what do you do when the person you want to marry only knows the traditions, only wants to do those, doesn’t understand why you don’t just give in to it all?

Do you wear white? Are you given away? Do you have a night where everyone but you gets drunk and the straws are shaped like penises?

I don’t know. It feels wrong to a bunch of things I don’t agree with just to make someone else happy. Is that what marriage is about? Is it wrong of me to ask him to compromise so that I don’t have to? How do you decide if a thing is incompromisable or not?

I try not to think about this too much. I’ve got a few years but I really have to worry about a wedding.

-HH

Posted in college, rambling

WEDA 4: Ladder of Faking

Well, this Write Every Day in April thing is already off to a great start. I blame my Sister’s Wedding. I never knew someone else’s Big Day could be so Time and Money Consuming, but boy have I learned.

Falling off the Bandwagon is hard, especially when you Stay off of It for almost a Month.

March was difficult for several reasons, but it reflected itself in a lot of unhealthy ways. I ate out all the time, spent a ton of money, never checked in with myself physically or mentally, and gave up maintaining any of my normal organization. I spent a whole week in bed–partially depressed, partially in severe pain. Basically, March took all the Success I’d been feeling, and threw it in the Garbage Disposal.

Coming back from Spring Break, I feel relatively unmotivated (because Disney World is WAY cooler than College) but I also feel surprisingly positive. I didn’t have a great first day back, I admit, but this morning I feel positive. I’m sticking with my bullet journal, and I’m getting homework done, and I’m trying wholeheartedly to build a ladder and climb out of the hole I dug myself and then burrowed under.

For me, that means small things that have huge impact. For example:

  • daily skincare
  • drinking a lot of water
  • creating daily to-do lists
    • forgiving myself when not everything gets done
  • sleeping when I’m tired, even if that sacrifices other things
  • saying yes more
    • knowing when to say no

These things may all seem small, but I tend to take on too much or do nothing at all. I’m very All or Nothing, and right now I feel Nothing, but I’m trying to be All.

It’s all very metaphorical and Fake it Til You Make It. But aren’t we all?

-HH

Posted in boyfriend, rambling

Are you Sure you Want a Piece of Me?

Boyfriend and I have been fighting a LOT recently. Don’t worry, I think we’re fine. I think the stress of Midterms has just Overwhelmed us both. But there is an end (to Midterms) in sight! During one of our recent fights, though, I talked about something I can’t stop thinking about.

When I love someone, especially as much as I love him, I learn to love all the Things he Loves. Like video games, books, topics. This is definitely not a bad thing! I genuinely enjoy the things he enjoys, although I would say I learned to love them because he loves them.

The problem comes when I feel like I lose the things I love. This isn’t at all his fault. It’s because I’m an All-Or-Nothinger. At least, that’s how it feels sometimes.

The more I think about it, though, the less simple that seems.

My interests and my for-funs tend to be solitary things. Yoga. Bullet Journaling. Face Masks. Cooking/baking. Those are things you can do with other people, but for the most part I like to be by myself and do things on my own. He facilitates those environments for me–cleaning spaces so I can be calm and stretch, running my baths, fetching pots and pans, and giving input on every bullet journal spread I make.  But his things involve people, like DnD nights, or playing video games with friends. So when he does his things, I feel like we do things for him. But when I do my things, I do my things and he gets to do his own thing.

I guess now I’m wondering how much of my identity is my own, and what I’m going to start defining myself by. It used to be my intelligence. Now I feel like identities may be more complex than I thought.

I think I can use a lot of things to identify myself:

  • Introvert
  • Hufflepuff
  • History Major
  • Brother
  • LSU Tiger

These things are huge parts of who I am, and they don’t even feel like the tip of the iceberg.

You would never know that I’m a skincare enthusiastic. Or that I have health goals I’m always trying to meet. You wouldn’t know I love dark chocolate and hate tornadoes. You definitely wouldn’t know that I have an incredibly messy car and that I organize my life in notebooks.

I thought because I didn’t have a club to hangout with that I had somehow given my identity to my Boyfriend and he had taken it, left it out to dry, and gone on to be his own person. But really, learning to love what he loves is just a part of who I am!

I give pieces of myself to people, and explore new interests and parts of myself because of it!

Because of my boyfriend, I now like Dungeons and Dragons! And I play Minecraft! And I’m still as interesting, intelligent, complex, and awesome as I was before I gave pieces of myself to him.

I’m just a little nerdier now.

-HH

Posted in college, greek life, rambling

Spring 2018 Midterms Week

Midterm Stress is basically the Worst Kind of Stress Ever. Except maybe Planning for Disney World Stress.

It doesn’t help that I’ve got 4 events for my fraternity this week and an extremely busy weekend ahead.

I’m dealing with it One Thing At A Time–which, includes, dropping one of my classes.

I used to think dropping a class was shameful, or a sign of weakness. But mostly now I see it as Prioritizing Properly.

When I take only 12 hours per semester, my grades are significantly better than when I take 15. If that means I have to supplement with summer classes, then so be it. I would rather have shorter breaks, graduate in four years, and never worry about failing a class again–because with only 12 hours in my pocket, failing a class is basically out of the question.

In other News this week, I got my Littles last night! Matching was long and stressful, but I now have Twins. It’s exciting, but also a little bit stressful; I have to get them their first bout of gifts for Thursday.

If there’s anything I’m learning from this week, it’s that Meal Prep is basically impossible in the face of Midterms.

I’ve got four recipes I want to try, none of which are in the works to be made. I pulled out all the spices to season chicken, but then I realized I was behind on my Bullet Journaling and blogging.

I’m not sure if I’m struggling because of midterms or because I’m trying to track too much, but I haven’t been prioritizing BuJo’ing the way I normally would.

Think it’s time to take a step back and focus on maintaining my Habits. My Goals this Week are simple:

-Go to All my Classes (Successful so far!)
-Do Yoga M – F (Not successful so far)

Short list, small accomplishment, slowly steering myself back in the direction I need to be.

Progress and success are not linear.

Neither are Midterms, it seems.

-HH

Posted in high school, rambling

The Hard Road of Rejection

It’s almost 3AM and I will be up at 7:30, but the Universe has decided that sleep is not for me tonight. I hate these nights; they seldom happen anymore. I guess even when I do everything right–when I enjoy my day, do my work, practice great skincare, and do yoga–I still am not doing enough for my body to get to sleep when it should.

I was lying in bed just endlessly thinking. I’m not even that anxious; I’m prepared to take on tomorrow, but for now I feel minimal pressure. Yet, there I was–staring at the ceiling and getting caught on every single thing I could think of. Instead of getting caught on them all, I decided to write about one.

So I saw this Tweet the other day [Holy crap, I just realized I’m going to give up Twitter for Lent!] which read:

Someone who says they don’t want a relationship right now just means they don’t want a relationship with you.

I half-heartedly “liked” it and kept scrolling, didn’t think much of it. Usually I only see those kinds of Tweets from the perspective of the “you” and not the “someone.”

But I was the someone once. And the more I lay there thinking about being the “someone,” the more annoyed I was at the Tweet.

When I was junior in high school, a Boy Friend I’d known since seventh grade came back from Summer Break with a Glow-Up. There was nothing wrong with him before the Glow-Up. In fact, I’d probably had some sort of halfhearted crush on him before it [I had a halfhearted crush on pretty much everyone at some point in high school]. But when he came back, I guess with his confidence renewed, things between us began to change. It took an entire academic year, but at Ring Ceremony in April, it was clear; he and I were Maybe Possibly Might Be a Thing.

We went on a few dates, and we talked all the time. And I really, really liked him. But here’s the thing.

Before his Glow Up, I’d spent all of Sophomore year attached to this College Sophomore who’d gone to my high school. We talked every day. He was my Person for such a long time, admitted to liking me, and truly was my Companion through my Stepmom’s death–which was absolutely one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with in my entire life. We spent about eight months talking every day, and when he didn’t want to get serious (for very good reasons that I understand NOW, five years later), everything fell apart. To this day, I can’t stand his social media, his friends, his name. It’s involuntary, the way my body freezes up at the thought of him. He was one of my best friends before I considered him anything romantically, and he just dropped off the face of the planet. I don’t miss him anymore, but I’m still angry with how he let things end.

If I’m still upset five years later, imagine how I was when the wounds were still relatively fresh as a Junior. I really wanted to be serious with the Boy Friend, who obviously also wanted to be Serious with Me. But I couldn’t. I could not, in good conscience, begin to Date this Person while my Mind was still Hurtling over the Hill the Previous Person had left Behind. I consider this a pretty big turning point in my life, because the Me Before this Moment clung to anything that would give her attention. By all accounts, I should have been over the Moon about this Boy who’d liked me for Years. But I wasn’t ready for it. I was too hurt, too raw, too new to this world I didn’t know as 1/4 an Orphan.

I told him just that. Plain as day, that I was still dealing with previous hurts and that I wasn’t ready for a relationship. That I hoped I would be one day and that I hoped that One Day Person would be him, and that I was so sorry I hadn’t figured it out Sooner. That I wanted to Remain Friends but I understood if he couldn’t.

Boy, he Definitely Couldn’t.

His response was long, and Guilt-Tripping. If I remember correctly, he said something like, “I was so stupid to think you’d like someone like me.” But, like, several texts of that.

I tried to explain to him that it wasn’t about him, but he didn’t listen.

For the rest of the School Year, he was Awful to me. He ignored me, said mean things to people about me, LIED to them about me, and showed everyone our texts. I never said a bad word about him, and I let the anger inside of me dry out and reveal itself as Sympathy, Empathy, and Hurt. He had been my friend for so long, but in the end he was just as awful as the person before him.

That encounter happened at the beginning of May 2014. I did not meet or begin to date the Now Infamously Awful Ex-Boyfriend until January 2015. There was no one in between; I truly spent that time focusing on who I was and needed to be. I figured out Being Alone. Because at the time, that was what I needed.

So what I want to say to the people who read that Tweet and nod along and “mhm” and halfheartedly “like” is this:

It usually isn’t about you. And sometimes, the “someone” really just doesn’t want a relationship. If you can’t respect that from them, do you even truly respect or want them at all?

Dehumanizing people when they hurt us is really easy.

Take the hard road anyway.

-HH

Posted in rambling

Bullet Journals and Mental Health

Back in December, I started Bullet Journaling. I’ve always been interested in Bullet Journaling, but I never set aside the time to do it because I’m not artsy. I felt like I would just be disappointed with whatever I came up with because it wouldn’t look like everybody else’s. (I often don’t have a lot of faith in myself to believe I’ve actually grown out of being a toddler.)

So I did a trial run in December in the back of my planner (which I got from May Designs and cannot recommend enough), which had a few dotted pages. I found it surprisingly helpful and enjoyable, and I haven’t stopped since. Today I’m going to show my CURRENT spread, and my one for February, to discuss Pros, Cons, and Tips I’ve gained over these past couple of months.

First and foremost, I do not have monthly or weekly spreads in my journal because I have my planner from May Designs. I didn’t want to waste a perfectly good planner, and also I felt like committing to making monthly and weekly spreads ALONG WITH the spreads I actually WANTED to make would be too much. Some people may not like having two notebooks, which I totally understand, but generally the content is so different that if I know what I’m doing that day I know which notebook I need. (You’ll see what I mean in a second.)

PAGE ONE – Cover Page
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I actually didn’t have a cover page for January. Partially because I didn’t think about it, partially because I didn’t want to feel like I was wasting pages. I decided to do one for February so that I have distinctions between months, and I’ve also included two lists that will make this page both cute and functional. “Reminders” will include things like events, due dates, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc. and “Goals” will include things that I want to improve on from January, like drinking more water.

 

PAGES TWO & 3 – Trackers
Trackers are the reason I started Bullet Journaling in the first place. I wanted to look into correlations with my sleeping, water intake, other daily habits, and my mood. I’ve found it INCREDIBLY great for my mental health because every day I’m forced to check in with myself and see where I’m at. Recently I’ve had a bout of bad days, and I realized I hadn’t had a good Self Care night in days, and I also hadn’t been drinking enough water for weeks. Being able to point out possible things I can do to feel better mentally has been such a game changer. Also, I’ve found that having a word/color to put to your mood can really be cathartic, especially if it’s a bad one.

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My January to February trackers didn’t change much. The mood trackers are the same, save a change in design and color (which will change monthly, of course). The habit trackers are pretty similar; I added and removed one habit, respectively, in February, and instead of Scripture I’ve decided to include reminders about the benefits of some of the positive habits as well as an area for Notes.

PAGES 4 & 5 – Spending and…
My January 4 & 5 are my spending tracker and my Disney Bound page. I found I didn’t use the Disney Bound page at all, but I knew what the sentiment was behind it; I want to start taking steps towards a healthier lifestyle. These pictures (I think) are pretty small, but I don’t think it’s necessary to see them up close; the spending layout is clear, and there’s an obvious difference to my Disney Bound page.

For February, I’m doing the same Spending Tracker, because it’s nice to have that all in front of me on the daily (and it’s also something I update daily–good way to hold yourself accountable for your spending habits!) and I’m turning Disney Bound into Positivity and Mindfulness. I’ve started making changes to my diet and I’m trying to find ways that I can be active without having a panic attack (the gym does not bode well for an anxious person), but I want to make it about loving my body enough to respect it, and not at all about feeling embarrassed about how I look. This is a page I hope will develop into something that will allow me to structure it in a more concrete way (right now it’s pretty much blank), but for now I just want to see where this mentality takes me.

PAGE SIX – Review
My January In-Review page is pretty empty. It’s given me a few cool ideas (like a Restaurant Review Page) that I will try to put in my BuJo later, but I decided I wanted to change it because it was a whole page with not much in it. I decided to split the page in half, because one my February goals is to have a regular writing schedule. I accidentally had one in January, and it made me realize that having that sort of schedule is really fun and positive for me. So I made half the page a brainstorming/planning area for posts, and the second half a place to review February as a whole. I kept the Review section because I think it’s going to be a helpful place to find new goals to set or keep memories.

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You can see the next page of my January spread was me trying to practice my cursive with some Scripture. It didn’t got over too well.

Sorry for such a long post but I hope it was at least a somewhat interesting read! If you’re interested in bullet journaling but not sure if it’s for you, I definitely recommend a trial month! And don’t feel pressure to do what other people are doing–these pages are just my monthys! I have a really cool (at least, I think it’s really cool) way of doing my grocery shopping in the BuJo that I’ve found helpful, and I use it for my job as well (I didn’t feature those pages for confidentiality reasons). My point is that Bullet Journaling really is whatever you want it to be! I have some friends whose BuJo is just lists, others who colored code everything all the time. I found that these trackers were great for my mental health, but I don’t think I’ll ever regularly make monthly and/or weekly spreads, and I don’t have an Index. And that’s okay!

I’m always up to hear about BuJo inspiration, so if you have any ideas you think I’d like please share them! And if you want to see more of my BuJo, like my super cool way of making grocery lists, let me know! Either way, thanks for reading all about my current obsession.

-HH

Posted in rambling

Twenty-Something Fire Pit of Positivity

I dyed my hair purple. Well, I had my hair dyed purple. It’s been like a week or two now.

My Boyfriend’s 72-year-old Incredibly Traditional father is still not used to it.

At dinner a few nights ago, with no prompting at all, he asked, “So what’s with the purple?”

And what I wanted to say was, What’s the Never-Ending Need to give me Shit about It?

Instead, I said words that I don’t really remember now. BUT I do remember the sentiment a bit.

I’m turning 21 this year. I’m officially “in my 20s.” I’m supposed to be doing shots off a stripper’s belly button and bouncing around in unhealthy relationships.

At least, that’s how I understand who I’m supposed to be. I digress.

The point is that I’m not, and that’s okay! It’s also okay if you are someone who’s into those things. That’s not the point I’m trying to make.

What I’m trying to say is that I dyed my hair purple because you only get to be “in yours 20s” once. After that, it’s all mortgages and 401ks and politics at the dinner table (not that that isn’t already a part of my life). So for now, I’ll have purple hair and get tattoos and love recklessly and laugh loudly.

I’m taking 2018 by the handle bars and throwing into the Fire Pit of Positivity.

I imagine it’s a Fire Pit, anyway.

-HH

Posted in feelings, rambling

The Jar Post II

The Annual Jar Post has returned–and HOPEFULLY, my inspiration and commitment to blogging with it. 2017 was a weird year. It was my first full year with my Boyfriend, and I took a lot of that time to figure out who We are as a Couple–but also who I Am as a Half of a Couple. It turns out, I’m still Mostly Me. 2017’s Top Ten are as follows:

10. Anna’s Back-to-School Party – I actually picked this one specifically because of when it’s dated. Exactly a year ago today, probably around this time, I was sat on a chair in the exact sweatshirt I’m wearing right now in the middle of Anna’s apartment, next to a boy I’d only been dating a few months who had a dumb haircut, and trying to remember that every person in the apartment both liked me and wasn’t paying the slightest attention to me (those are my social anxiety comforts).

9. Kesha – I got to see her live thanks to an obscure gift from my university. It was my first concert with my Boyfriend, first time seeing Kesha, and my first time choosing to stand alone, away from everyone I knew, and dance and jiggle and love without a care in the world. I don’t think anyone could’ve made me feel that way but Kesha. Thank you.

8. John Mulaney – This would probably be higher up if our seats hadn’t been so terrible. The door opened and closed the entire time, and people chatted at the door. I barely heard his opener, and only vaguely remembered the jokes. I cried afterward, I was so disappointed. But still, I never thought I’d get the opportunity to see him, so I’m incredibly grateful.

7. Valentine’s Day – There’s a tradition at my school; kissing under the Bell Tower at midnight on Valentine’s Day is how you become Official Co-Eds. It’s a dumb tradition, but we were up late that night anyway. The pictures are terrible and my GOD was it cold, but I love that he indulged me in such a small thing.

6. Orange Beach Birthday – For my Boyfriend and his Best Friend’s birthday, we went to Orange Beach for a few nights. It was so quiet, and easy, and so incredibly fun. It was also our first time staying in a different state together!

5. Carving Pumpkins – It’s a tradition to carve pumpkins every year for Halloween in my family. My Boyfriend had never done it before, so it took him forever, but it was a really small thing to do with him. It was also our 11-month anniversary. We ate Chinese food. He makes me cherish the little things.

4. Spring Break – We almost died. I’m glad we didn’t.

3. September Brother of the Month – It was such a great way to be brought into the year, and also to be reminded of how important it is to keep trying and contributing even when it feels like you may go unnoticed!

2. Ed Sheeran – I got to see Ed Sheeran in August in Houston. It was amazing. I cried. Literally. I’m seeing him again in October.

1. Isella & Harper – Two beautiful babies were brought into this world in 2017–both of whom are my family. I love them both dearly. I’m excited to be a part of their lives and to hopefully help them become amazing women.

-HH

Posted in rambling

Pretty Much Sucking

Today is not a good day.

I got up and I knew that it was very unlikely I’d be going anywhere today.

My body is heavy and empty. There is not a care left in it.

Stepping outside is like opening a soda bottle after it’s been shaken, hard. You lock the cap up, but the damage has been done. You can see the bubbles building.

Except mine aren’t going down.

Today it feels like anything will make me forget to lock the cap up.

I am high strung, irritated, eating ice cream in my bed without pants on. I skipped both of my classes and have done literally no work for the day.

Today– it took until I got the end of this post to realize it, but–today…

Today I am PMSing.

-HH