Twenty-Something Fire Pit of Positivity

I dyed my hair purple. Well, I had my hair dyed purple. It’s been like a week or two now.

My Boyfriend’s 72-year-old Incredibly Traditional father is still not used to it.

At dinner a few nights ago, with no prompting at all, he asked, “So what’s with the purple?”

And what I wanted to say was, What’s the Never-Ending Need to give me Shit about It?

Instead, I said words that I don’t really remember now. BUT I do remember the sentiment a bit.

I’m turning 21 this year. I’m officially “in my 20s.” I’m supposed to be doing shots off a stripper’s belly button and bouncing around in unhealthy relationships.

At least, that’s how I understand who I’m supposed to be. I digress.

The point is that I’m not, and that’s okay! It’s also okay if you are someone who’s into those things. That’s not the point I’m trying to make.

What I’m trying to say is that I dyed my hair purple because you only get to be “in yours 20s” once. After that, it’s all mortgages and 401ks and politics at the dinner table (not that that isn’t already a part of my life). So for now, I’ll have purple hair and get tattoos and love recklessly and laugh loudly.

I’m taking 2018 by the handle bars and throwing into the Fire Pit of Positivity.

I imagine it’s a Fire Pit, anyway.

-HH

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The Jar Post II

The Annual Jar Post has returned–and HOPEFULLY, my inspiration and commitment to blogging with it. 2017 was a weird year. It was my first full year with my Boyfriend, and I took a lot of that time to figure out who We are as a Couple–but also who I Am as a Half of a Couple. It turns out, I’m still Mostly Me. 2017’s Top Ten are as follows:

10. Anna’s Back-to-School Party – I actually picked this one specifically because of when it’s dated. Exactly a year ago today, probably around this time, I was sat on a chair in the exact sweatshirt I’m wearing right now in the middle of Anna’s apartment, next to a boy I’d only been dating a few months who had a dumb haircut, and trying to remember that every person in the apartment both liked me and wasn’t paying the slightest attention to me (those are my social anxiety comforts).

9. Kesha – I got to see her live thanks to an obscure gift from my university. It was my first concert with my Boyfriend, first time seeing Kesha, and my first time choosing to stand alone, away from everyone I knew, and dance and jiggle and love without a care in the world. I don’t think anyone could’ve made me feel that way but Kesha. Thank you.

8. John Mulaney – This would probably be higher up if our seats hadn’t been so terrible. The door opened and closed the entire time, and people chatted at the door. I barely heard his opener, and only vaguely remembered the jokes. I cried afterward, I was so disappointed. But still, I never thought I’d get the opportunity to see him, so I’m incredibly grateful.

7. Valentine’s Day – There’s a tradition at my school; kissing under the Bell Tower at midnight on Valentine’s Day is how you become Official Co-Eds. It’s a dumb tradition, but we were up late that night anyway. The pictures are terrible and my GOD was it cold, but I love that he indulged me in such a small thing.

6. Orange Beach Birthday – For my Boyfriend and his Best Friend’s birthday, we went to Orange Beach for a few nights. It was so quiet, and easy, and so incredibly fun. It was also our first time staying in a different state together!

5. Carving Pumpkins – It’s a tradition to carve pumpkins every year for Halloween in my family. My Boyfriend had never done it before, so it took him forever, but it was a really small thing to do with him. It was also our 11-month anniversary. We ate Chinese food. He makes me cherish the little things.

4. Spring Break – We almost died. I’m glad we didn’t.

3. September Brother of the Month – It was such a great way to be brought into the year, and also to be reminded of how important it is to keep trying and contributing even when it feels like you may go unnoticed!

2. Ed Sheeran – I got to see Ed Sheeran in August in Houston. It was amazing. I cried. Literally. I’m seeing him again in October.

1. Isella & Harper – Two beautiful babies were brought into this world in 2017–both of whom are my family. I love them both dearly. I’m excited to be a part of their lives and to hopefully help them become amazing women.

-HH

Pretty Much Sucking

Today is not a good day.

I got up and I knew that it was very unlikely I’d be going anywhere today.

My body is heavy and empty. There is not a care left in it.

Stepping outside is like opening a soda bottle after it’s been shaken, hard. You lock the cap up, but the damage has been done. You can see the bubbles building.

Except mine aren’t going down.

Today it feels like anything will make me forget to lock the cap up.

I am high strung, irritated, eating ice cream in my bed without pants on. I skipped both of my classes and have done literally no work for the day.

Today– it took until I got the end of this post to realize it, but–today…

Today I am PMSing.

-HH

Tomorrow

Commitment is hard. I watched a video today of a speech Inky Johnson gave in which he said, “Commitment is staying true to what you said you were going to do, long after the mood that you have said it in has left.”

And boy do I have problems with that kind of commitment. Specifically, and solely, that commitment to myself.

More and more frequently I’m starting to notice how mean I am to myself. I think of myself in ways I would never do to another person. And flipping the switch on someone like me overnight just doesn’t work. There is no epiphany or life changing moment where I get all my shit together.

Change takes time. 

So I’m going to start small by establishing my commitments Day to Day. Each day will have 4 commitments: 1 for the health of my body, 1 for the health of my brain, 1 for the health of my faith, and 1 for the health of my future.

Maybe one day I’ll have 40 commitments per week. Maybe not.

But for now, all I’ve got to worry about is tomorrow.

-HH

Angry

I’m pretty sure it’s in the first Avengers movie when Beautiful Mark Ruffalo as The Hulk reveals how he deals with his situation: “I’m always angry.”

That’s how I felt today. In retrospect, it’s how I feel pretty much all the time–about things that happened months, even years, ago.

When I pray, I always pray for personal things last. I want to prioritize other people.

Today I want to pray for me.

I am desperate for His guidance in dealing with my anger. Some of the things for which I am angry, I yearn for an explanation. I want to know why they happened, why I’m struggling to let go of them–why He’s putting me through this constant turmoil and frustration.

Being angry is exhausting. I am searching for how to let go.

I am learning that letting go is even more difficult than being angry.

-HH

Thankful

I opened a chocolate muffin packet the other day and the muffin had a pale green, fuzzy substance on a part of it. Enraged and grossed out, I wrapped it up and promptly tossed it in the trash. I opened another one to find the muffin perfectly fresh and just what I needed.

I also found myself, for the first time in a very long time, realizing how lucky I am to be able to throw away a muffin and immediately get a new one. At no point did I even consider eating the muffin (which, also, smelled faintly of plastic), nor had it been a struggle for me to obtain them.

It’s really easy for me to get caught up in the stress of college–because, trust me, there’s a lot of it. I stress about my health and my grades and my career path and pretty much everything I do, honestly. A lot of the times I wonder if college is even worth it.

But finals are over now (thankfully). And I know I passed all my classes. I’m passionate about what I’m learning, and when I go home I have bed(s) and family and food and love. It’s hard to remember to be thankful for those things when they’re the norm in my life. It’s hard to remember to be thankful for the opportunities I’ve been granted with my education.

I’m working on remembering to be thankful for them anyway.

-HH

Icosahelpme

My friend Cameron wrote about the girl she was in high school not too long ago, but I (as usual) was late to the game reading it, and only got to it just now. I really liked Cameron’s post. She talked about her edges being softened as she opened her heart to God. It made me feel good reading it.

There aren’t a lot of things that make me feel good, right now. There are moments, yeah, and days, even, where my edges don’t feel rough and my brain doesn’t feel like it’s going a thousand miles a minute. But I feel like I keep trying to climb my way out of a hole that I’m actually, accidentally, digging for myself, somehow.

So there’s that triangle of balance that’s not actually a triangle, right? Where the expectation is that you only have to balance Social Life, Grades, Sleep–but the reality is that you have to balance Family, Friends, Relationships, Grades, Money, Sleep, Health, General Ability to Feel like a Person. I wish life were as simple as a triangle.

It’s probably something more like an icosahedron.

I keep trying to find a thing that feels like it can create balance. Right now it feels like if one thing is wrong (and something always is) then I’m turned inside out, or sideways, or backwards, or upside down. Nothing feels small. One thing feels…colossal.

I remember this feeling from high school. This burned out, End of World feeling. I remember being stressed about my grades, my future, a boy, friends, family, my body, money. I remember thinking that One Day I was going to be not quite an adult yet, renting a house with like seven of my friends just off campus, going to class, kicking ass, and taking names.

I guess that’s why I need to quit daydreaming because One Day is Now, and it’s definitely Not That.

I’m not saying that Now is bad. I love my Boyfriend (so much, it’s kind of gross). I love my friends (they aren’t plentiful–but what they lack in quantity they make up for in quality). I love my family (I’m going to be an aunt!). I love my classes (which sounds like a lie–but I really, genuinely do). But I still feel like I’m missing something.

It makes me wonder if Jesus is the answer, the way Cam talked about.

And I shit on my Boyfriend about his religion, a lot. So I’m sure when he reads this he’ll expect something harsh or rude or insincere.

Because frankly, religion makes me uncomfortable. The idea that an Omnipotent Being is Judging me is terrifying. Mostly because I’m already pretty busy judging myself. Likewise, I think the rules are dumb. I don’t think any God will love His children any less for not believing in him. What a narcissistic dick, amirite? But, further, I don’t think any God will love His children any less for loving someone of their sex, or for not identifying their Sex with their Gender, or for eating Meat on Fridays during Lent. I don’t think God gives two shits about whether or not you come up to me and talk to me about Him, I really don’t. Because you know what I think God cares about?

I think God cares about how you made me feel when you walked away. Or how you’ve made anyone feel ever.

I don’t think God cares about things we do that don’t actually hurt people. I think God’s got bigger fish to fry, if you will. Like perpetuating Love. Like perpetuating Happiness. Like perpetuating Change. I digress.

My God doesn’t really fit the mold of any religion I know. Every God I’ve heard of has these arbitrary rules. Every God has this Black and White way of looking at things: Did you follow all the rules? Heaven. Did you break any? Hell.

But if God made us, then doesn’t He know we’re not Black and White Creatures? Does one action really define a person?

I hope not. I am not a bad person, by any means. But that doesn’t mean I’ve always done good things, either.

But I don’t think stealing a rubber pencil from the library in elementary school means I can’t kick it with the Big Guy Upstairs. That’s just me, though.

-HH