Posted in college, greek life, rambling

Spring 2018 Midterms Week

Midterm Stress is basically the Worst Kind of Stress Ever. Except maybe Planning for Disney World Stress.

It doesn’t help that I’ve got 4 events for my fraternity this week and an extremely busy weekend ahead.

I’m dealing with it One Thing At A Time–which, includes, dropping one of my classes.

I used to think dropping a class was shameful, or a sign of weakness. But mostly now I see it as Prioritizing Properly.

When I take only 12 hours per semester, my grades are significantly better than when I take 15. If that means I have to supplement with summer classes, then so be it. I would rather have shorter breaks, graduate in four years, and never worry about failing a class again–because with only 12 hours in my pocket, failing a class is basically out of the question.

In other News this week, I got my Littles last night! Matching was long and stressful, but I now have Twins. It’s exciting, but also a little bit stressful; I have to get them their first bout of gifts for Thursday.

If there’s anything I’m learning from this week, it’s that Meal Prep is basically impossible in the face of Midterms.

I’ve got four recipes I want to try, none of which are in the works to be made. I pulled out all the spices to season chicken, but then I realized I was behind on my Bullet Journaling and blogging.

I’m not sure if I’m struggling because of midterms or because I’m trying to track too much, but I haven’t been prioritizing BuJo’ing the way I normally would.

Think it’s time to take a step back and focus on maintaining my Habits. My Goals this Week are simple:

-Go to All my Classes (Successful so far!)
-Do Yoga M – F (Not successful so far)

Short list, small accomplishment, slowly steering myself back in the direction I need to be.

Progress and success are not linear.

Neither are Midterms, it seems.


Posted in college, greek life


If there’s anything I’m learning, right now, it’s that forgiveness is damn-near impossible.

There are a lot of people I haven’t forgiven:

  • My dad
  • My ex
  • My fraternity

And I don’t know what’s holding me back from doing so. In some ways, I think it’s because their affect on me is still relevant. But am I supposed to forgive them in some indeterminate amount of time, when all of the things that have been done to me or that trigger me or upset me finally stop doing so?

I don’t think so. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to forgive them in order to get to a place where I’m not upset anymore.

I went out on a girls’ night last week and when I talked to my Friend about my frustration with forgiveness, I said a lot more than I thought I would: “How am I supposed to forgive someone–how do you just do that? How do you forgive someone who isn’t even saying sorry? How do you forgive someone who isn’t even here to hear it or respond to it?”

She told me that forgiveness isn’t about the other person. That forgiveness doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten, nor does it mean you want to be friends with your Offender. Forgiveness “is saying, ‘You don’t control me anymore. You don’t affect me anymore. I am letting this go.'”

She made is sound really Simple and Easy. She went on to clarify that it isn’t, and that sometimes forgiveness can be impossible or take a lot longer than you expect.

It’s been my experience that time allows me to forgive more than anything else. It took me almost 3 months to forgive my Sister for something awful she did, but I’ve forgiven her. I didn’t have to talk about it with her, I didn’t have to rehash things or cry or anything. I just took a lot of time, and went through my feelings, and stayed away for as long as I needed.

The problem is that some of these things are a lot harder to get away from than others. Particularly my frat. I have requirements to my fraternity that I’m obligated to fulfill.

I’m trying to get to a place where I can focus on the event, and what it means to be a Brother, and focus less on the people there and what they’re doing that makes me feel unwelcome.

So right now, I guess forgiveness looks like waiting. Waiting and focusing on other things.


Posted in greek life, religion

Changing X

I am not happy.

Well, that’s not true. I’m happy now. But for the past week(s), I have not been happy.

Every single thing felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. Even the smallest of stresses felt like life-ruiners, and for the past few weeks there have been plenty of small stresses.

My Boyfriend’s friends may or may not like me as a human being. He nor I can tell anymore. It’s been the cause of a lot of tension between us the past few days, but I think today I stopped letting it get to me. People, sometimes, won’t like you. I’m learning you have to deal with that.

My Boyfriend, however, has bigger problems with his friends disliking me. Mainly, that his friendships are suffering because of it. I’m letting him deal with that on his own. Another thing I’m learning is that you can’t control anyone.

You can control yourself, though, right?

So I haven’t been happy.

“I don’t think Old You would like how You Now views the fraternity,” he told me the other night.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, he was right. But I can’t change the fraternity. I can’t change who dislikes me, or who thinks I should not have a leadership role, or generally the actions of anyone except myself.

So I’m changing my actions. I’m trying to put out more of what I want from the fraternity. I’m trying to remember that all I can do is forgive people and accept them and love them and respect them, and hope for the same treatment in return. It’s been hard. Like, really hard.

But being miserable gets old quick. Being angry is exhausting. Refusing to take responsibility doesn’t actually make you feel better about anything.

So I’m thinking about dropping from the fraternity. But I’m changing what I put into it, first. I’ve decided to put in more hope, confidence, positivity.

I’m reminded by the tattoo on my ankle every day that getting stuck in a rut is the last place you want to be. Changing X changes Y so, assuming that X and Y have a direct relationship and the change to X is a positive constant, I can only go up from here. So I’m changing X.

I found a Bible verse I like. It’s short, sweet, and to the point:

Stand firm, and you will save yourselves. -Luke 21:19

I’m pretty sure the context has nothing to do with saving yourself from your own Self Hate Hole. But faith isn’t One Size Fits All, right?

Yes, I do switch translations of Bible verses depending on which one I like the most.

Also, it’s my Boyfriend and I’s anniversary. Congrats to us for surviving four months!


Posted in feelings, greek life, religion

Joy Cometh in the Morning

Today I ran for an Officer position within my fraternity and I lost. I sat through the rest of Executive-Board voting, I got into my car, and my Boyfriend (bless him) suffered through me going through a flurry of emotions as I finally got to voice my grief at the loss.

And for a minute I really wanted to fall into my hole of self pity. I remembered a post I wrote awhile back, which started off with, “I am not the girl who gets.”

I wanted to reaffirm that. To kick myself while I was down and convince myself that the Universe has just decided that I do not deserve the things I want, and that my fellow Brothers do not find me capable.

But I didn’t. I cried because I was disappointed, because I was mad, because I was frustrated and bitter.

“I wish I had never gone up there,” I told my Boyfriend.

And when I was nominated for a position to be voted on next week, I couldn’t even stop my response. “I don’t want to do that again.”

Because I don’t. I am not beaten or bruised or broken, but I am not willing to get up there for something that I want again. Right now, I don’t think I want anything enough to get up there and fight for it.

My pride is shot, my confidence even lower than before. And it will be picked up (I hope) but not tonight.

Tonight I will eat my feelings and be a little angry. Tomorrow I will get up and be better.

I found a Bible verse that I quite liked that’s kind of my motto for the night. Since I’m trying out this whole faith thing, I guess quoting Bible verses is a thing I’m into now.

…weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. – Psalm 30:5


Posted in college, greek life

A (Sweet, Delicious, Human) Potato

It’s been almost two years since I got into my first serious relationship. It’s been almost a year since I got out of my first serious relationship. I haven’t dated, or even tried to, since then.

Friday night was the post-Induction party for my fraternity. That night, at my second-ever college party, I learned that drunk college adults are the equivalent of sober twelve-year-olds at their Spring Fling–glow sticks included.

By that I mean that once one person heard who I’m interested in in my frat, so did the drunk girl next to her, and so on. I thought it would end terribly. It actually worked out.

Turns out, he likes me too! And yes, he was drunk at first. But no, I wasn’t just a convenience.

I DD’d for eleven people that night, him included. I brought him home last, and we went up to his room. We laid in his bed, fully clothed, and talked.

“I’m wide awake,” I told him. “So I’m going to keep talking.”

He didn’t mind. He talked to me about his family, and asked about mine. We talked about fraternity stuff. We talked about liking each other.

“How did you not know?” I asked. “I thought I was obvious.”

“When we were leaving the volleyball game Wednesday night, people started teasing me about you–‘So what’s up with y’all?’ And my heart hurt.”

“What does that mean?” I laughed. He mostly was talking into his pillow, words slurring together. He wasn’t saying it directly, but I knew what he meant: I didn’t realize how I felt until it was pointed out to me.

“There was a literal pain in my chest, and I was like ‘Oh no. I’ve never felt like this before. What do I do?'”

It’s been a long time since I felt like I was experiencing such genuineness in a person I know is interested in me. Everything felt comfortable but not boring and fun but not exhausting.

“I’m a potato,” I told him. It’s not a new phrase for me to use; most of my fraternity have heard me say it several times about myself.

Throughout the night he’d responded to my saying that with different adjectives, “A sexy potato. A beautiful potato.”

His drunken and tired stupor left him with only a handful  of adjectives before he stopped having good responses.

“A delicious potato.”

And as I burst with laughter, he groaned. “I’m drunk, please ignore that.” But I didn’t.

Instead I told him about N.A.U.L. (I introduce N.A.U.L. as my Best Guy Friend to new people). “I called myself a potato the other day to my  best friend and he told me I was never allowed to bring it up again, but that if I am a potato, I’m a sweet potato.”

He groaned. “I messed up. I missed my opportunity.”

I laughed and liked him a little bit more.

Then I started to worry aloud. “What if things don’t work out between us and we’re both still in the fraternity and–”

He tightened his arm around me. “Don’t think about that.”

So I didn’t.

I was the little spoon, and we’d been quiet for awhile. I was worried he was asleep when I asked, “Will you regret this in the morning?”

“Nope,” he said immediately, tiredly. “Never.”

And I squeezed his hand, and asleep we were.

He was right. I woke him up around 8:30 with a joke from the fraternity GroupMe. We barely left the bed all day, talking and joking and laying on each other. He gave me a donut. We talked with his roommate.

At 4 I left after napping on him.

And I don’t know what we are. But I’m excited to find out.


Posted in college, greek life

Being Greek

I hate telling people that being in a Greek organization changed my life because of how corny it sounds, but the fact of the matter is that it’s true.

The fall semester of my freshman year was awful for a plethora of reasons, but I think that the overall transition from high school to college was just extremely difficult for me. I spent every day sleeping, eating, and throwing myself into schoolwork. In retrospect, it doesn’t sound terrible. It sounds like an average College Kid kind of life. But I wasn’t just in a cyclic rut of school; I was depressed.

Nothing brought me joy. I was constantly filled with an overwhelming sense of doom–and not just about my academics. Getting out of bed was difficult. Going to things by myself was impossible. In fact, going to events with more than three people–even people I did know–was impossible. I knew about three people by the end of my first semester.

Winter break happened. I decided something had to give. Something had to be different.

I got an email about an honors fraternity which I was eligible for. None of my (two) friends were interested in it. Where I’m from, being Greek (and female) is usually equated with being white, and rich, and being after a “Ring by Spring.” I was, ignorantly, a believer of these horrendous stereotypes. Something in my gut told me that this was my chance for change; I went to the first info session by myself.

I was immediately in love. The people were my kind of people. They were fun and interesting and made me happy. It didn’t matter to me, anymore, that I was by myself at every rush event. I loved being around the people I was around.

I made it through the Rush process. I made it through the Initiation process. I became a member of the Fraternity. I didn’t realize how much it’d changed my life until this semester.

Every week, I have things to do. Every day, I have people to sit with–people I want to sit with. I have people to text and hangout with and have jokes with. I have people who know that sometimes I need to be alone. I have people who listen to me rant about Astronomy and teach me how to play Water Pong because they know I don’t drink. I am always excited to be around these people. I used to think that my way of getting out of a rut was to crawl into bed and not get out of it until I felt like I could function. Sometimes that’s still the answer. But most days? Well now, most days, the answer to my sadness is to get out of my room, to hangout with my Brothers.

At the last meeting, I was given the privilege of being voted Brother of the Month. Today I sat through a meeting in which I said the words, “I do things with this fraternity because I like being around y’all. Like, it makes me happy.” The people around me smiled. The people around me believed me. The people around me, I think, also like to have me around.

There are a lot of things I’m bad at expressing myself over. This is not one of them. I am immensely grateful for every person I have met because I “went Greek.” I am eternally indebted to this organization. These people have given me confidence, hope, a voice, an education, acceptance, and a home in a place which I thought would always be foreign.