Today I ran for an Officer position within my fraternity and I lost. I sat through the rest of Executive-Board voting, I got into my car, and my Boyfriend (bless him) suffered through me going through a flurry of emotions as I finally got to voice my grief at the loss.
And for a minute I really wanted to fall into my hole of self pity. I remembered a post I wrote awhile back, which started off with, “I am not the girl who gets.”
I wanted to reaffirm that. To kick myself while I was down and convince myself that the Universe has just decided that I do not deserve the things I want, and that my fellow Brothers do not find me capable.
But I didn’t. I cried because I was disappointed, because I was mad, because I was frustrated and bitter.
“I wish I had never gone up there,” I told my Boyfriend.
And when I was nominated for a position to be voted on next week, I couldn’t even stop my response. “I don’t want to do that again.”
Because I don’t. I am not beaten or bruised or broken, but I am not willing to get up there for something that I want again. Right now, I don’t think I want anything enough to get up there and fight for it.
My pride is shot, my confidence even lower than before. And it will be picked up (I hope) but not tonight.
Tonight I will eat my feelings and be a little angry. Tomorrow I will get up and be better.
I found a Bible verse that I quite liked that’s kind of my motto for the night. Since I’m trying out this whole faith thing, I guess quoting Bible verses is a thing I’m into now.
…weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. – Psalm 30:5