Used Up and Hollowed Out

Sunday  morning I woke up knowing a Bad Day was on the horizon. I thought it was that day; I woke up already thinking about the seemingly never ending list of things I felt needed to be completed that day.

I think maybe my Bad Day was today, instead.

The constant low-grade state of anxiety I live in is manageable. And when it gets overwhelming, it usually feels like a freight train in my ears. I can deal with this in two ways: complete everything on the list that’s pushing buttons that’s sending the train into my head or turn the system off completely. In other words, I’m extremely productive, or I sleep.

Yesterday I was extremely productive, so I thought today I would wake up feeling ready to take on the world.

But today, instead, a Bad Day, feels exhaustive. I wrote out of my list of things To Do After Class:

  • oil change
  • read and respond to an assignment for Education Philosophy
  • read for History
  • attend an event for my frat at 7
  • attend an event for my frat at 8
  • kiss my boyfriend in front of the Bell Tower in order to start Valentine’s Day off right

And it doesn’t seem that awful. Half of those things even seem enjoyable. But my body, and brain, can barely get past the oil change. I’m sitting outside my last class of the day, now, and my brain doesn’t even feel ready for that.

I had three tests last week. I have two tests this week. I’m in a constant state of concern about…well, everything.

My brain is shutting down. Nothing about me feels capable anymore. I spent all weekend supposedly relaxing–playing video games, eating, doing no hard thinking. But somehow I still feel exhausted, used up, a hollow form of myself.

But I will complete my To Do list. I will go to bed when I am tired. I will go to class tomorrow.

I will Rinse and Repeat until my brain actually feels Clean.

-HH

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