Perpetual Incompleteness

I was going to make a political post. I’ve got a handful of them, half-finished and untitled, sitting in my Drafts. I always want to say things–profound, well-thought-out things. And then I decide I want to talk about something else, or I feel like I haven’t Completed my thought on the topic yet, and therefore can’t write about it.

The idea of Completeness reminds me of something my Professor said in lecture on Tuesday. It’s an Education Philosophy class–which, yes, is just as dense and difficult to get through as you’d expect it to be–and we’ve been looking at the evolution of education as a whole. We were discussing Metaphysical V Physical worldviews, surrounding ideas of Absoluteness.

“I will never be Complete,” she declared to us. “Everything I think and am always has been and always will be evolving, and changing, based off of the things happening around me and to me and within me.”

The thing is that I’ve said things along those lines before, about my inability to maintain or achieve Completeness. But I have never felt, or said it, in a declarative sort of manner. Mostly I am terrified of constantly feeling and being Incomplete.

I always thought that one day I would Wake Up and be an Adult. I would be Complete. I would no longer have questions, or doubts, or worries. I would be so absolutely sure of my beliefs.

Everything about the Surety Within Me has been challenged recently. My Boyfriend, for one thing, differs with me on things that I always said would be Dealbreakers. And yes, we argue about them, but in no way do I ever feel like I’m making a mistake, or compromising who I am. If anything, our differences are forcing me to look within myself even more, to educate myself even more.

Some things are making me even more sure of my beliefs, even more secure. Others are making me question, making me wonder.

I don’t want to delve too much into religion, because I have remained a largely areligious person for the majority of my Personhood. But sometimes, more than I ever have before, recently, I find myself thinking of things in a different light.

More than anything, though, I’m trying to learn to accept Perpetual Incompleteness. That nothing about me will ever be Sure. That I will never be without question, or doubt, or worry. That Adulthood and Happiness will find me in spite of those things.

-HH

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