Twenty-Something Fire Pit of Positivity

I dyed my hair purple. Well, I had my hair dyed purple. It’s been like a week or two now.

My Boyfriend’s 72-year-old Incredibly Traditional father is still not used to it.

At dinner a few nights ago, with no prompting at all, he asked, “So what’s with the purple?”

And what I wanted to say was, What’s the Never-Ending Need to give me Shit about It?

Instead, I said words that I don’t really remember now. BUT I do remember the sentiment a bit.

I’m turning 21 this year. I’m officially “in my 20s.” I’m supposed to be doing shots off a stripper’s belly button and bouncing around in unhealthy relationships.

At least, that’s how I understand who I’m supposed to be. I digress.

The point is that I’m not, and that’s okay! It’s also okay if you are someone who’s into those things. That’s not the point I’m trying to make.

What I’m trying to say is that I dyed my hair purple because you only get to be “in yours 20s” once. After that, it’s all mortgages and 401ks and politics at the dinner table (not that that isn’t already a part of my life). So for now, I’ll have purple hair and get tattoos and love recklessly and laugh loudly.

I’m taking 2018 by the handle bars and throwing into the Fire Pit of Positivity.

I imagine it’s a Fire Pit, anyway.

-HH

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The Jar Post II

The Annual Jar Post has returned–and HOPEFULLY, my inspiration and commitment to blogging with it. 2017 was a weird year. It was my first full year with my Boyfriend, and I took a lot of that time to figure out who We are as a Couple–but also who I Am as a Half of a Couple. It turns out, I’m still Mostly Me. 2017’s Top Ten are as follows:

10. Anna’s Back-to-School Party – I actually picked this one specifically because of when it’s dated. Exactly a year ago today, probably around this time, I was sat on a chair in the exact sweatshirt I’m wearing right now in the middle of Anna’s apartment, next to a boy I’d only been dating a few months who had a dumb haircut, and trying to remember that every person in the apartment both liked me and wasn’t paying the slightest attention to me (those are my social anxiety comforts).

9. Kesha – I got to see her live thanks to an obscure gift from my university. It was my first concert with my Boyfriend, first time seeing Kesha, and my first time choosing to stand alone, away from everyone I knew, and dance and jiggle and love without a care in the world. I don’t think anyone could’ve made me feel that way but Kesha. Thank you.

8. John Mulaney – This would probably be higher up if our seats hadn’t been so terrible. The door opened and closed the entire time, and people chatted at the door. I barely heard his opener, and only vaguely remembered the jokes. I cried afterward, I was so disappointed. But still, I never thought I’d get the opportunity to see him, so I’m incredibly grateful.

7. Valentine’s Day – There’s a tradition at my school; kissing under the Bell Tower at midnight on Valentine’s Day is how you become Official Co-Eds. It’s a dumb tradition, but we were up late that night anyway. The pictures are terrible and my GOD was it cold, but I love that he indulged me in such a small thing.

6. Orange Beach Birthday – For my Boyfriend and his Best Friend’s birthday, we went to Orange Beach for a few nights. It was so quiet, and easy, and so incredibly fun. It was also our first time staying in a different state together!

5. Carving Pumpkins – It’s a tradition to carve pumpkins every year for Halloween in my family. My Boyfriend had never done it before, so it took him forever, but it was a really small thing to do with him. It was also our 11-month anniversary. We ate Chinese food. He makes me cherish the little things.

4. Spring Break – We almost died. I’m glad we didn’t.

3. September Brother of the Month – It was such a great way to be brought into the year, and also to be reminded of how important it is to keep trying and contributing even when it feels like you may go unnoticed!

2. Ed Sheeran – I got to see Ed Sheeran in August in Houston. It was amazing. I cried. Literally. I’m seeing him again in October.

1. Isella & Harper – Two beautiful babies were brought into this world in 2017–both of whom are my family. I love them both dearly. I’m excited to be a part of their lives and to hopefully help them become amazing women.

-HH

Grumpily Apologetic

Finals week is difficult.

I know, revolutionary statement. But it is! For a plethora of reasons, none of which are muffled when you’re in a relationship.

Over the past year, I’ve learned something I didn’t know before about relationships: they involve two separate people.

Two separate people, taking finals, and attached at the hip.

Oh, yes, there’s been a lot of stress-fighting.

In the year we’ve been together, I’ve never been more shocked than when my Boyfriend, hugging my head to his torso (I was sitting), said plainly, “I love you, but you’re being so aggravating.”

Even now, it makes me laugh. I couldn’t help it! My stress levels live at a 7, plus 2 for finals, plus 4 for social situations (we were in the PACKED library) equal Too Damn Much for me.

We’re fine, if a little grumpily apologetic. And, after 7:30 tonight, we’re done with all written finals! (I have a speaking final on Friday.)

So here’s to being Aggravating–
You’ve been okay, Fall 2017…
But thank God you’re over.

-HH

Best Condiment in the World

There are a lot of things I could bitch about today. The car accident I got in, assignments I had due, texts from my boss, a conversation with my mother–all of those things sucked. My room is a mess, I’m living on nutritionless food, my skin and hair and eyebrows are unkempt and sad looking.

Instead, I’m gonna be thankful for my Boyfriend.

From the dark hole I built myself in my room, under a mountain of blankets and pity, I texted him: “Can you bring home some McDonald’s? I really need nugs today.”

He had an exam and a quiz today, held me as I cried multiple times, went to a work meeting, and has a test to study for tonight. When he came home, he was carrying two drinks and a bag from the Golden Arches.

“That took awhile,” I said. “Did something happen?”

They got the order wrong at first, he explains. Then he tells me they were out of Honey Mustard–aka the Best Condiment in the World. I felt myself deflate, “What did you get me instead?”

“Look in the bag.”

And there, on top of my nuggets, were two Honey Mustard sauces from Chick-fil-A.

I burst into tears.

Every day, I am thankful to have him. But today, especially, I am thankful to him.

-HH

Better Tomorrow

I have not had a moment this Bad in months. Hell, I haven’t had a moment this Bad in over a year.

Being overwhelmed manifests itself in a lot of different ways when you live with the kind of anxiety I live with.

I’m taking a class that’s basically taking over my life this semester. It’s great in that I’m really enjoying the work that I’m doing. It’s unfortunate in that it’s causing me an unbelievable amount of stress.

I thought going to an event for my fraternity–or even for my historians society–would be the relief I needed from the never ending words and confusing structures and half-thoughts I’m not even psuedo-confident in. I thought jumping into something and enjoying it–something that didn’t have to do with JFK’s Assassination–was exactly what I needed.

I was Wrong.

Fighting with my Boyfriend before the event didn’t help. But I thought I could sit through it, regardless of how aggressively the fist-sized Cotton Ball of Frustration was trying to punch its way through my Throat.

I was very Wrong.

Suddenly I was 18-years-old again, spending an hour prepping myself to leave my dorm room for an event. I was swallowing words and tears and taking full gasps through my nose. I was fighting the tears as hard as I could, trying to contain the waterworks. But I was 30 minutes early for the Event; there’s no way I could stick it out for an hour and a half.

So even though I didn’t want people to think badly of me, I didn’t want people to see my breakdown even more. Without talking to my Boyfriend, or Anyone, I packed up and left.

My legs couldn’t move fast enough. It was like sprinting away from that football game I tried to go to Freshman year all over again. Everyone seemed perfectly fine, seemed completely in on this idea of what it’s like to be Normal and I was just pretending to function long enough to get to my Hiding Spot.

So I’m hiding now. I’m crying and I’m hiding. I’m overwhelmed and I’m angry and I don’t want to function anymore.

I will finish crying. I will work on German homework instead of staring at citations I don’t know how to do and documents I’m not sure I’ll actually use.

I think I’m going to get Cane’s for dinner.

I will forgive myself, and do better tomorrow.

-HH

Pretty Much Sucking

Today is not a good day.

I got up and I knew that it was very unlikely I’d be going anywhere today.

My body is heavy and empty. There is not a care left in it.

Stepping outside is like opening a soda bottle after it’s been shaken, hard. You lock the cap up, but the damage has been done. You can see the bubbles building.

Except mine aren’t going down.

Today it feels like anything will make me forget to lock the cap up.

I am high strung, irritated, eating ice cream in my bed without pants on. I skipped both of my classes and have done literally no work for the day.

Today– it took until I got the end of this post to realize it, but–today…

Today I am PMSing.

-HH

A Good Year

Twas the night ‘fore Fall Semester
And all through the Dorms
Not a textbook was stirring
Not a syllabus, or Form

Except for in my apartment, where I’ve printed two syllabi and already marked due dates in my agenda. I’ve picked which notebooks and binders belong to which days and classes, and packed my backpack even though my first class isn’t until 11:30 tomorrow. You could say I’m a little excited.

The cool thing about wanting to be a teacher is that I want to be a teacher because I like school. I like the rhythm of the day, the way the school year is structured. I like going to class and engaging. Although I’m not the best at making friends in a classroom.

I’m hoping for a good year, and it’s already starting on a pretty great foot. I just got a job offer that I’m ecstatic to take, I’m taking a manageable amount of hours and I’m excited for all my classes, and I’m looking forward to seeing the people in my fraternity this year. I didn’t realize that I was excited to see them (I’m still harboring some bitterness about not getting the position I wanted) until I saw two of them by accident today, but I am.

This year will be good. I’m…95% sure of it.

-HH